Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
