Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
