Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
