You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
