Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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