I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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