do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
