He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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