what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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