yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.