I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.