k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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