Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
