so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Please don't give away my fajitas
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
