Acid is not a monday night drug
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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