I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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