I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
