Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
