You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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