Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
