Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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