I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
