at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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