and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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