her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
