At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My ass is underappreciated
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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