my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
