I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my sisters under your porch take her home
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
