If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
