I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
