Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
