You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
