Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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