I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
