when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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