I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
