I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
