Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Randomize
