My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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