if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
