Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
