I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
