I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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