I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
