i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
