Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
