she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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