I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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