Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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