i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
