when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
