a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
