Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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