Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
