Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize