Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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