I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
